FORGIVE WHEN YOU CAN’T FORGET

“Forgive,” they say.

“Even if they aren’t asking for it. Forgive. Do it for yourself.” -- I don't know who said it but it has pretty powerful impact on my life.

It’s good advice given by many at times in my life. Forgiveness is a powerful act which doesn’t free the guilty party, but frees the victim from being held captive by the past actions of another. It doesn’t undo the event which caused that terrible pain. It doesn’t cause someone to forever forget. It simply creates the possibility for healing to begin.

But what happens when you try to forgive and it doesn’t seem to work? You want to move on, but you can’t. You’re stuck.

One of the great misconceptions about forgiveness is that it can happen in one dramatic act, nah it doesn’t, the ramification is so hard hitting at times. The thought is that we can have a powerful moment and forever be done with the situation. Some stand on a mountain, look up at the vast night sky, and make the decision to forgive the other person. Others kneel at an altar and in response to what they feel God has done for them, decide to release the other person from their offense. Some grow weary of having the circumstance continually control them and try to let go....oh people have their own countless ways!!

These moments cannot be dismissed. Forgiveness is, in part, a point. It is a moment in which a clear decision is made. Without the moment, forgiveness will not happen.

Forgiveness is a process, forgiveness doesn’t occur simply with one dramatic moment. It is also something that is repeated time and time again throughout different seasons of life.

When we confuse forgiveness as simply a point, we can miss opportunities of growth and understanding when issues keep coming to mind. Knowing that forgiveness is also a process makes us expect times in which we remember what has happened. We know those times will come and we see them as invitations to further explore how the event influenced us.

Too often we see hurt as a single experience. If the one we loved walked out, he/she didn’t just end the relationship. A series of changes were experienced–loneliness, no more family vacations, division at weddings, changes in friendships, tainting past memories, dashed future dreams, having less help with aging parents, being alone during personal illness, etc. The list could go on....man it has such a long list to talk about. While a point must be reached in which you forgive the person, the process of forgiveness means grieving each experience.

One reason forgiveness has to be a process is because some of the ramifications of the act may not be known for years. A person must forgive and keep on forgiving. Some things will be easier to forgive than others.

As long as we see forgiveness as process, we can feel as though we are making progress even if events keep coming to our mind. When we think it is a single point, we might feel stuck when memories re-emerge.